I've come to realise...

I have this terrible feeling. This all consuming feeling of apprehension, or fear. I don't understand where it has come from, I don't understand why it's here. Maybe it's the music, I'm listening to 30 Seconds to Mars, a band, and in this case, an album, that I haven't listened to in over 4 years. It brings back memories and feelings that I hadn't realised that I had associated with. It hurts, it's so freakin painful. I have this over-whelming urge to start crying, and rage at the world. I don't really understand why it's here. I don't like it. I don't want it to be here. I don't want the music to be the cause of it. I like this music, but I hate this feeling.

I miss people. I want hugs, so badly. I want someone to wrap me up in their arms and never let go. I don't understand what is going on. This hurts. Why can't people see that it hurts? I want them to notice, I want them to care. I don't want to feel so damn confused all the time. I miss everyone. I, I feel worried, all the time. I hate it. I need to get away. I want to get away. I want to get on a plane, a loud, cramped plane and fly away. I want to spend hours curled up in one position, trying to block out the loud, hissing and humming noise that accompanies flight just so that I can get to the other side of the world and spend the last days of, some sort of summer in a foreign city. I want to get lost in streets that are unfamiliar to me. I don't want to be here. I don't want to fear everything, worry about everything.

I miss exploring, I miss Paris, I miss feeling in love. Yes, I finally admit it, to myself, to the world. I feel in love, in Paris. It wasn't some stupid crush, it was love. Stupid, I know, because how could I know what love is? But I suppose I don't really. All I know is that when I left, I felt this over-whelming ache spreading from my heart outwards. It seemed to consume everything, and I was almost brought to tears. But my cheeks stayed dry, because I knew that she would laugh at me. Or, if not laugh, be confused as to what I was feeling, and declare that I was being silly.

I want love. I want someone to love me. I want someone to wrap me up in their arms and love me. I want kisses, I want everything. I know I keep saying that I'm fine with being alone, well do you know what? I'm not, I'm terrified of being alone. I don't want to be alone.

I want hugs. I need them. I want to be wrapped up in someone's arms and held close. I want to feel their warmth sinking into me. I need them.

Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

I've made it to the third week of uni, and already things have started to spin out of control. I try not to let these things have such an influence on me anymore, but sometimes it's just hard to let things go. I had really thought that things were going to get better at Uni. In some aspects they are, I mean, I've met a wonderful, amazing girl that I don't think I would have ever met without living on and attending this Uni. But I've also been introduced to some people, people with attitudes that I thought I had left behind at High-school. To be talking and dealing with people like this again just makes me tired. It also just frustrates me knowing that even though I believed that people could actually grow up, they really don't. They are still the same bitter and bitchy people that I thought I had left behind.

I feel like shit. Both emotionally and physically. It has got to be one of the worst feelings ever. I've got this huge massive headache. My body feels like it's ready to heave. I look at myself and think "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" And I can't stop thinking like this.
I'm mad at everyone, but at the same time no one. I snap at people without really thinking, then regret it after. It's driving me crazy, and I feel like my heads spinning constantly. I'm feeling doubts that I thought I had put to rest. And over and over it's running around in my head. You're just not good enough. You're just not good enough. You're just not good enough.You're just not good enough.You're just not good enough.You'rejustnotgoodenough.

Thank you mind and body for reminding me of this. Because I need to be reminded so often.

Can I have my own board game?

Working today involved selling a women an Eclipse board game. I'm hoping, against all hope that this was instead for her daughter. But in this day and age, where the "Twi-mums" are something huge this might be wishful thinking. So I sold this to this women, and all I could think was, "How was someone able to create a board game about a girl that's in love in a vampire and also in love with a werewolf?" Obviously they're able to, because I sold this game for $20. Does that mean that I'll be able to ask some board-game company to create a board game for me? I wish.

Anyway, there hasn't been a lot going on in my life right now. I'm working, working and continuously working. I keep telling myself that this is because I'm trying to save up more money to travel over-seas again, hopefully with Uni to either the UK or Canada next year. I've always wanted to do an exchange I've always believed that it will help me experience something new, someplace new.

A Thousand words can not express how I feel...

I've had an interesting last few weeks. Emotional, nerve-wracking weeks. They have shown me things that I had never seen or, I admit, been willing to believe. This upsets me because this has broken, or maybe even destroyed, my faith in people. I've discovered that people can actually, quite physically break your heart in mer minutes. I hate that this has happened to me. I hate that because I have so much faith in people, and I always have, that someone has taken advantage of that. And do you know what's worse, that this came from family. How much more painful could that get?

Thinking about it now, I wonder how many people have taken advantage of me in this way. Because, if there are people out there that have hurt me, but in such a way to take advantage of this aspect of my nature, I just don't know how I feel about this.

I think, I'm mostly just mad, so mad. I just can't believe that people would abuse our relationship in that way. And then, what do I do when something like this happens? I know I'm angry. But also so upset and kind of resigned. Yes, resigned. To be honest, I was expecting this, dreading it, but expecting it. How depressing is that?

My Brain Talks to Me and Itself Frequently. And No They Aren't The Same Thing.

I'm going a bit crazy. Things have actually being going wonderfully for me these past two weeks, hence no updates. But right now, my head is killing me, not headache wise, more in the - Why Are You Not Working??- way. It's frustrating me, and I'm really not happy about that. I know I can write this essay, I'm actually really looking forward to getting this done and out of the way, but for some stupid, ridiculous reason, my brain just wont start for me. It wont cooperate with the part of my brain that is all "We can do this! Come on team lets work together to pump out this essay ASAP!" Stupid uncooperative brain.

It's really killing me.

New Moon Soundtrack: Why are you so good?

I smell like my uncle. And before you take that as weird and quite illegal, I'm just going to tell you that it's nothing like that. I just hugged my uncle, and now his aftershave feels like it's all over me. And surprisingly, I'm not upset about it. Actually, I'm really quite happy about it. It's a comforting and relaxing smell, because more than anything I know that I can always trust my uncle and know that he'll be there for me when ever I need him to be.

So I smell like my uncle and it's a warm and comforting smell.

It's been an interesting weekend here at home. Or just an interesting week in general. I handed in my final assessment for one of my subjects. So now that's out of the way and I don't have to worry about it anymore. Other than the grade that is. I didn't go to bed/sleep before One O'clock each night. It was both and exhausting and wonderful feeling. These late nights were due to the fact that I was just chilling with some new and wonderful friends up at Uni. I really did have a blast this week.

To top it all off, I came home on Thursday night to discover a large and very much anticipated parcel waiting for me. This parcel contained the three books that I had ordered of Amazon.com. And finally, finally they arrived. Inside this wonderful, and ill wrapped parcel contained three books by the artist Brom. That book, on the index there (titled The Child Thief), is one of them I received. The other two were The Plucker and The Devil's Rose. They are actually really beautifully written, and are in no way Children's books. Despite the fact that they seem like it (being all Illustrated stories and all) they are not and I repeat NOT children's books. They are actually quite scary and do include bad language and rather graphic violent scenes. And I love them.

They are, very much me books. And I encourage others to seek them out and read and fall in love.

I spoke to my travelling friend recently. And I am so happy for her it's ridiculous. She's off enjoying Ireland at the moment (I think) and I'm so jealous but also happy for her. I miss her like something fierce but I know that I can wait for her to return.

xx

I can see the stars here.

So, received a package the other day, from a friend that I hold very close to my heart, who pretty much holds my heart. I miss her more than words can describe, actually, I miss everyone. I miss running up to my pretty blond friend and insulting her before demanding hugs. I miss her because she's my 'feminine friend', and she means the world to me. We don't fight, because she just gets me. Which I admire above all things.

I miss my little alternative, scary friend, that just knows me more than she lets on. Who I can spend hours with and only sometimes feel the awkwardness.

I miss being happy. I'm struggling to find that happiness at the moment. It's hard because of Uni, because of work, and my constant dilemma concerning my father. It's hard to find some peace, I'm living for the holidays. I'm struggling to cope really. I'm just glad I've finally found someone I can trust on Res.

Thinking about tattoo designs and places, I know what I want, just don't know what font and how big. It's a pretty big decision. But I'm actually really excited.

I'm going to make it through this grossness, I know I am.

I wish I had a flying Ford.

I'm going a bit stir crazy here. I feel like my work load is not going to lessen up for quite awhile, which is what is killing me the most at the moment.

The sky is blue outside and more than anything I wish that I could just disappear into that blueness for just a little while. I want to not think, just lay there in that comforting blue and feel at peace. I'm sure it will be quite cold, or that special kind of chilly, where all you want to do is curl up in someone's arms. Without being able to lay in that blueness, I would instead like the ability to go for a drive into the sky. To feel the engine of the car humming as it pushes the heavy metal contraption on at ridiculous speeds. It would be nice.

For some reason, days like these remind me of Rome. Cold, but still clear. I miss those days. I miss being able to work around for hours, and then come home only to complain that my feet have that omg you're killing me feeling, and all I can't think of is that I don't want to move for another month. Oh, how I envy my pass-self, and I wish that I hadn't taken those days for granted.

Thinking about it, I guess the reason I want to go back to travelling is because it gives me an excuse to feel lonely every so often. Being here, at home, means that I really shouldn't have this feeling. But, unfortunately I do. How pathetic.

I'm hanging out for the holidays at the moment, when all this work load decides to bugger the hell off until the next semester starts and I start freaking out about that work load. Yes, a never ending cycle that wont end until the end of 2013. Fantastic.

I miss you my traveling friend. Come back to me safe okay?

xx

Moving on from the stone age is probably a VERY good idea

Without meaning to, I've managed to completely kill my internet. Thank you university provider for killing my one and (what sometimes seems like) only source of entertainment. And no, it's not entirely my fault. It's your fault stupid internet company, for giving me a shoddy deal. Unlimited download for $28 dollars, that slows down to 64k after 2GB of download. HOW DOES THAT WORK?! It's just plain rude if you ask me. And far too expensive. I am not impressed. But, I guess I'm just going to learn how to deal. Until I can get some more.

I attempted to study this morning, in the library, but found that I couldn't use the wireless. I blame the fact that this university has yet to realise that quite a few students are opting to buy MACS rather than PCs. Thank you University of Ballarat for living in the some what useless stone-age of technology.

So, without the aid of the internet (something I'm ashamed to admit I, and probably most of my generation have become quite reliant on) I had to resort to using the school computers to find the books that I needed for this assignment that I'm really quite struggling with. That, was fine. However, the information that I received from my tutor about the aspect that I was struggling on, was not quite so fine. It made no sense whats so ever. So, I borrowed the books she suggested, and I'm going to attempt to read and further understand them before I approach her and call her an absolute twit and tell her to reconsider teaching, harsh, and something I'll never do. Instead I'll calmly approach her and ask her to explain further. Internally calling her a twit. What? I'm allowed to be some what bitter if she's being deliberately obtuse.

It's raining here in Ballarat. And I'm currently not wearing the correct shoes to wander outside. I may have to invest in a pair of chucks. Both comfortable AND fashionable. Oh my!

I may have to think about investing in a brightly coloured set, just to help elevate my mood when ever the fancy strikes me to look down at my feet (which I've noticed seems to happen a lot).

I'm currently looking at some Mac skins for my laptop. So that I can protect it, and make it look pretty. There is this pretty one, that would probably scare my mother. Or, this one, which is really quite pretty. But, I'm not entirely sure just yet. I have to further investigate this.

I miss my travelling friend. I want her hugs, I think of her whenever I look above my bed. One of her postcards is pinned there, waiting patiently for more travelling companions to arrive. I'm glad she's happy though. That's all I've ever wanted for her.

xx

Chai warms the soul.

I'm finding it difficult to get motivated right now. My head and heart just isn't in it. It's difficult to find the enthusiasm for my school work that I had in my possession last night when I was scouring my books for ideas concerning my Teaching presentation.

I actually enjoyed that work last night, before I was dragged off, or, no, I actually "gave myself a break." What a stupid decision. Though, I did end up reading the novel I had to complete for today's lectures. However, my lecturer today made my teeth hurt from the constant grinding motion they were in to prevent myself from shouting out at her that she has absolutely NO idea what she is talking about, and she should stop distorting the text.

I've taken to drinking multiple cups of chai, in the hopes that my soul and heart will stay in this constant state of, warmness. Yes, I'm aware that it's impossible. But when your heart aches over lost friends, and the idea that you don't have any friends in this new and, what could be considered, hostile, environment that is sometimes referred to as University, one will do anything in their power to stay as positive as possible.

It's not real chai. It's just one of those packet mixes created my Lipton. A mixture of khaki coloured powder, hot water and a almost scientific method of mixing. "To achieve a smooth consistancy, do not stir until all the water has been poured into the cup." Yes Sir! Of course Sir! Despite the fact that it is, rather, fake. One can't help but become addicted to it. And until I find the time, and the instruments to create real chai, I'm sorry to say that this poor Uni student will have to stick to the fake stuff. Or, more importantly, the mass produced.

I miss my friend terribly. The one traveling at the moment. I have this over-whelming urge to track down members of the Wizarding community (because they must exist) and convince them to Apparate me to her location. I want her hugs, I want to hold her tight, and spend hours listening to her sarcastic voice ramble on and on at me, a characteristic of hers that I've found I miss most of all.

I shouldn't feel so nostalgic though. She is, in fact, off enjoying the world just as I did mere months ago. Yet I still miss her immensely. I guess, in some way, I also envy her. To be able to travel once again.

I've been thinking about it recently. I want to go back. To travel once again. To spend hours on trains moving smoothly from one country to the other, watching as the trees and small beautiful towns move swiftly pass me as I move onto my next destination. I don't think I will be forgiven if I disappear off to Europe so soon after returning. Actually, I don't know if I could forgive myself. My family means so much to me right now. Well, they always have. I would have to be in constant contact just as I was the first time. Just to hear their voices.

Petty, immature me. I would be able to grow up. I am growing up. I just, need my family. I can't think of myself like this though. I am stronger than all of this.

I am. Putting aside my thoughts of travel, and my almost near heartache over my well traveled friend. Right now, I am content to sit here, sipping my mass produced Chai and listen to music that has become a rather familiar presence in my room.

xx

You are the one.

I've decided that I don't want people to control how I feel about myself, I don't want to have to worry about what they think. I think it's important that I don't let them control me.

I've started a tumblr as well, pretty much with the same idea for this.
A photo a day, of the things around me, of what I see, and/or love.

It could be fun.