I've come to realise...

I have this terrible feeling. This all consuming feeling of apprehension, or fear. I don't understand where it has come from, I don't understand why it's here. Maybe it's the music, I'm listening to 30 Seconds to Mars, a band, and in this case, an album, that I haven't listened to in over 4 years. It brings back memories and feelings that I hadn't realised that I had associated with. It hurts, it's so freakin painful. I have this over-whelming urge to start crying, and rage at the world. I don't really understand why it's here. I don't like it. I don't want it to be here. I don't want the music to be the cause of it. I like this music, but I hate this feeling.

I miss people. I want hugs, so badly. I want someone to wrap me up in their arms and never let go. I don't understand what is going on. This hurts. Why can't people see that it hurts? I want them to notice, I want them to care. I don't want to feel so damn confused all the time. I miss everyone. I, I feel worried, all the time. I hate it. I need to get away. I want to get away. I want to get on a plane, a loud, cramped plane and fly away. I want to spend hours curled up in one position, trying to block out the loud, hissing and humming noise that accompanies flight just so that I can get to the other side of the world and spend the last days of, some sort of summer in a foreign city. I want to get lost in streets that are unfamiliar to me. I don't want to be here. I don't want to fear everything, worry about everything.

I miss exploring, I miss Paris, I miss feeling in love. Yes, I finally admit it, to myself, to the world. I feel in love, in Paris. It wasn't some stupid crush, it was love. Stupid, I know, because how could I know what love is? But I suppose I don't really. All I know is that when I left, I felt this over-whelming ache spreading from my heart outwards. It seemed to consume everything, and I was almost brought to tears. But my cheeks stayed dry, because I knew that she would laugh at me. Or, if not laugh, be confused as to what I was feeling, and declare that I was being silly.

I want love. I want someone to love me. I want someone to wrap me up in their arms and love me. I want kisses, I want everything. I know I keep saying that I'm fine with being alone, well do you know what? I'm not, I'm terrified of being alone. I don't want to be alone.

I want hugs. I need them. I want to be wrapped up in someone's arms and held close. I want to feel their warmth sinking into me. I need them.