I've come to realise...

I have this terrible feeling. This all consuming feeling of apprehension, or fear. I don't understand where it has come from, I don't understand why it's here. Maybe it's the music, I'm listening to 30 Seconds to Mars, a band, and in this case, an album, that I haven't listened to in over 4 years. It brings back memories and feelings that I hadn't realised that I had associated with. It hurts, it's so freakin painful. I have this over-whelming urge to start crying, and rage at the world. I don't really understand why it's here. I don't like it. I don't want it to be here. I don't want the music to be the cause of it. I like this music, but I hate this feeling.

I miss people. I want hugs, so badly. I want someone to wrap me up in their arms and never let go. I don't understand what is going on. This hurts. Why can't people see that it hurts? I want them to notice, I want them to care. I don't want to feel so damn confused all the time. I miss everyone. I, I feel worried, all the time. I hate it. I need to get away. I want to get away. I want to get on a plane, a loud, cramped plane and fly away. I want to spend hours curled up in one position, trying to block out the loud, hissing and humming noise that accompanies flight just so that I can get to the other side of the world and spend the last days of, some sort of summer in a foreign city. I want to get lost in streets that are unfamiliar to me. I don't want to be here. I don't want to fear everything, worry about everything.

I miss exploring, I miss Paris, I miss feeling in love. Yes, I finally admit it, to myself, to the world. I feel in love, in Paris. It wasn't some stupid crush, it was love. Stupid, I know, because how could I know what love is? But I suppose I don't really. All I know is that when I left, I felt this over-whelming ache spreading from my heart outwards. It seemed to consume everything, and I was almost brought to tears. But my cheeks stayed dry, because I knew that she would laugh at me. Or, if not laugh, be confused as to what I was feeling, and declare that I was being silly.

I want love. I want someone to love me. I want someone to wrap me up in their arms and love me. I want kisses, I want everything. I know I keep saying that I'm fine with being alone, well do you know what? I'm not, I'm terrified of being alone. I don't want to be alone.

I want hugs. I need them. I want to be wrapped up in someone's arms and held close. I want to feel their warmth sinking into me. I need them.

Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

I've made it to the third week of uni, and already things have started to spin out of control. I try not to let these things have such an influence on me anymore, but sometimes it's just hard to let things go. I had really thought that things were going to get better at Uni. In some aspects they are, I mean, I've met a wonderful, amazing girl that I don't think I would have ever met without living on and attending this Uni. But I've also been introduced to some people, people with attitudes that I thought I had left behind at High-school. To be talking and dealing with people like this again just makes me tired. It also just frustrates me knowing that even though I believed that people could actually grow up, they really don't. They are still the same bitter and bitchy people that I thought I had left behind.

I feel like shit. Both emotionally and physically. It has got to be one of the worst feelings ever. I've got this huge massive headache. My body feels like it's ready to heave. I look at myself and think "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" And I can't stop thinking like this.
I'm mad at everyone, but at the same time no one. I snap at people without really thinking, then regret it after. It's driving me crazy, and I feel like my heads spinning constantly. I'm feeling doubts that I thought I had put to rest. And over and over it's running around in my head. You're just not good enough. You're just not good enough. You're just not good enough.You're just not good enough.You're just not good enough.You'rejustnotgoodenough.

Thank you mind and body for reminding me of this. Because I need to be reminded so often.

Can I have my own board game?

Working today involved selling a women an Eclipse board game. I'm hoping, against all hope that this was instead for her daughter. But in this day and age, where the "Twi-mums" are something huge this might be wishful thinking. So I sold this to this women, and all I could think was, "How was someone able to create a board game about a girl that's in love in a vampire and also in love with a werewolf?" Obviously they're able to, because I sold this game for $20. Does that mean that I'll be able to ask some board-game company to create a board game for me? I wish.

Anyway, there hasn't been a lot going on in my life right now. I'm working, working and continuously working. I keep telling myself that this is because I'm trying to save up more money to travel over-seas again, hopefully with Uni to either the UK or Canada next year. I've always wanted to do an exchange I've always believed that it will help me experience something new, someplace new.

A Thousand words can not express how I feel...

I've had an interesting last few weeks. Emotional, nerve-wracking weeks. They have shown me things that I had never seen or, I admit, been willing to believe. This upsets me because this has broken, or maybe even destroyed, my faith in people. I've discovered that people can actually, quite physically break your heart in mer minutes. I hate that this has happened to me. I hate that because I have so much faith in people, and I always have, that someone has taken advantage of that. And do you know what's worse, that this came from family. How much more painful could that get?

Thinking about it now, I wonder how many people have taken advantage of me in this way. Because, if there are people out there that have hurt me, but in such a way to take advantage of this aspect of my nature, I just don't know how I feel about this.

I think, I'm mostly just mad, so mad. I just can't believe that people would abuse our relationship in that way. And then, what do I do when something like this happens? I know I'm angry. But also so upset and kind of resigned. Yes, resigned. To be honest, I was expecting this, dreading it, but expecting it. How depressing is that?

My Brain Talks to Me and Itself Frequently. And No They Aren't The Same Thing.

I'm going a bit crazy. Things have actually being going wonderfully for me these past two weeks, hence no updates. But right now, my head is killing me, not headache wise, more in the - Why Are You Not Working??- way. It's frustrating me, and I'm really not happy about that. I know I can write this essay, I'm actually really looking forward to getting this done and out of the way, but for some stupid, ridiculous reason, my brain just wont start for me. It wont cooperate with the part of my brain that is all "We can do this! Come on team lets work together to pump out this essay ASAP!" Stupid uncooperative brain.

It's really killing me.

New Moon Soundtrack: Why are you so good?

I smell like my uncle. And before you take that as weird and quite illegal, I'm just going to tell you that it's nothing like that. I just hugged my uncle, and now his aftershave feels like it's all over me. And surprisingly, I'm not upset about it. Actually, I'm really quite happy about it. It's a comforting and relaxing smell, because more than anything I know that I can always trust my uncle and know that he'll be there for me when ever I need him to be.

So I smell like my uncle and it's a warm and comforting smell.

It's been an interesting weekend here at home. Or just an interesting week in general. I handed in my final assessment for one of my subjects. So now that's out of the way and I don't have to worry about it anymore. Other than the grade that is. I didn't go to bed/sleep before One O'clock each night. It was both and exhausting and wonderful feeling. These late nights were due to the fact that I was just chilling with some new and wonderful friends up at Uni. I really did have a blast this week.

To top it all off, I came home on Thursday night to discover a large and very much anticipated parcel waiting for me. This parcel contained the three books that I had ordered of Amazon.com. And finally, finally they arrived. Inside this wonderful, and ill wrapped parcel contained three books by the artist Brom. That book, on the index there (titled The Child Thief), is one of them I received. The other two were The Plucker and The Devil's Rose. They are actually really beautifully written, and are in no way Children's books. Despite the fact that they seem like it (being all Illustrated stories and all) they are not and I repeat NOT children's books. They are actually quite scary and do include bad language and rather graphic violent scenes. And I love them.

They are, very much me books. And I encourage others to seek them out and read and fall in love.

I spoke to my travelling friend recently. And I am so happy for her it's ridiculous. She's off enjoying Ireland at the moment (I think) and I'm so jealous but also happy for her. I miss her like something fierce but I know that I can wait for her to return.

xx